Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Purina Dog Food Diet

Posted by Nicholas Stix (Authorship unknown)

So I'm at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???

So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets, and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well, and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me, and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[A big poodle butt sniff to Jeanine Klug.]


Anonymous said...

Good one.

When I ended up shopping at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods Markets some years back I would always marvel that these supposed health food stores were full of tragically sickly people, all pencil skinny and ghostly white.

When I got up to the check-out stands and my turn came up to pay I would always ask the clerk if the food was all that safe to eat. I made sure to say it loud enough for the people in line at the other registers could hear but not so loud as to be thoroughly obnoxious.

A shocked clerk, as sickly looking as the customers, would always look up at me completely taken aback and usually ask "What?" So I would repeat my question.

The shocked clerks would assure me that all their foods were of the highest quality and ask me why I would ask such a question"

I would reply that I am a big healthy construction worker and can't afford to get sick. I said if the food I was buying was going to turn me into one of these pitiful souls I had better depart for another store.

the clerks usually asked me how on earth I could even think such a thing.

I would end with that just by looking at the customers something was very wrong with the picture before me. I told them that most of them looked like they were about to collapse to the ground under their own feathery weight if it weren't for the aid of the shopping baskets they were holding on to keeping them up.

Everyone around me would pin their zombie eyes on me in shock and horror but not daring to counter my jabs because I was the picture of health compared to their pitiful physical conditions.

I now live far away from those pretentious markets and am no worse for wear for not eating their supposed healthy foods.

I too like to add some much needed humor to life when I can. It helps us all stay sane.

Anonymous said...

Stfu, its her niece for crying out loud . Why cant u leave this family alone. Stop wat ur doin now. No one talks about my couzin like that.
The poor girl is gone and thats not enough for u people. Everything was an accident he loves his sister more than anything in the world. Everytime her family see this their more depressed. So who ever brings her and him up you guys will regret everything. Bye

Jay Imerman said...

1) On the post, apparently this has been making its way as a repost around Facebook, so with a little Googling I found it on your blog. Is this a true story? Or did you repost?
2) On the Trader Joe's / WFM, if you ascribe to the Weston A. Price Foundation (, you can find out why, but many people in TJ/WFM target market are vegan/vegetarian. This is not a healthy diet long-term, the Human body is not designed for it unless you go out of your way to source fats and proteins from other sources, and most diets and dieters lack the depth of understanding and research to make it work. While our family are frequent customers of these 2 stores, you won't find us looking like that! With 6 people in our family, we consume about 500 lbs of beef, 85 whole chickens, various additional lamb and pork in a year's time. Our kids are almost never sick, thin, with well-defined musculature, good dispositions, and other than our oldest who was born before this diet, their teeth are straight and fit within their mouths, round facial structure, good strong bones.