If Bob Newhart Had Taken the 911 Call over the “Cold French Fries Shooting” at McDonald’s

[“nyc McDonald’s shooting could’ve been avoided with hot fries, says kin of suspect’s girlfriend.”]

By Grand Rapids Anonymous
Sunday, August 7, 2022 at 7:12:00 A.M. EDT

The black grand-mammy had a list of rules for the employees, but she said, “My granddaughter shouldn’t have gotten her boyfriend—who has a criminal record. Should have called the PO-lice.”

“He...hello, Lieutenant Bob Newhart—how can I help you? You want to report cold french fries at McDonald’s? Is that the large or small size?” (Bob laughs.)

“Both. I see...there were multiple orders. You’re serious—this isn’t a prank call? A prank is a joke. Uhh, that’s not quite in the area where we would get involved, ma’am.

“What’s that—someone was actually SHOT at the restaurant—because of cold French fries? You’ve got to be kidding me. Wait a minute—I have a question: Was this was in a McDonald’s that had mostly black patrons and employees at the time? A patron is a customer. Yes ma’am, I AM White—I take it, you’re black. Oh, just a lucky guess.”

“Okay, squad cars are on the way—anything else, ma’am? Well, thanks for reporting a shooting over French fries. Good...goodbye.”

--GRA