By Grand Rapids Anonymous
Sunday, January 10, 2021 at 2:30:00 P.M. EST
It’s The Afterlife Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Johnny’s guests are newly deceased Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda, and good friends Frank Sinatra and Don Rickles.
And now... heeeerre’s Johnny!
(Band plays, applause)
Thank you, I’m Johnny Carson—welcome to The Afterlife Tonight Show, where all your favorite stars drop by—right after they drop dead!
(Audience laughs.)
We do a lot of jokes about being dead here, in fact, speaking of dead, Joe Biden (pause, audience laughs) is getting ready to be inaugurated as the 46th president of the United States, but Biden’s doctor thinks it’s a bad idea for Joe to move into the White House, since he already tends to get lost sitting in his own bathtub (small laughter).
You see, because the White House is a lot bigger... he's more likely to get lost there...
(tap dancing to “Tea for Two”).
We have Biden booked here for mid-April don't we Ed?
Ed: You are correct, sir.
Carson: Let's do a quick Carnac.
Ed: Yessir. From the far east, we are now pleased to welcome famed sage, soothsayer and former lawyer on the Trump legal team—Carnac the Magnificent (applause).
Carnac: Sim Sala Bim, we have just one answer to divine today(holds envelope to his forehead).
NBC Nightly News and “on the witness stand.”
Ed: NBC Nightly News and “on the witness stand.”
Carnac: Name two places where blacks lie their asses off. (cheers).
Ed: Only TWO places, oh great one?
Carnac: Well, three—everywhere else, too.
We have a great show, Sinatra and Rickles welcome Tommy Lasorda to the Afterlife Tonight Show, stick around.
(Commercial.)
Welcome back—without further ado, let’s bring out Frank Sinatra, Don Rickles, and Tommy Lasorda—here they are.
(Much applause, standing ovation.)
Rickles: Hi, John, first of all, I just have to say I'm very surprised to see Tommy Lasorda again. Frank told me, “The Godfather” was going to the OTHER place (pointing down—audience laughs). Carson: You mean the Merv Griffin Show? (laughs).
Rickles: Funny, John—you know what I mean—hell! Carson: I would think it’d be just the opposite, Don. Sinatra: Don’t let on, Johnny—Don thinks we’re in heaven.
(Audience laughs.)
Carson: After what WE all did on earth?
Rickles: Hey, speak for yourself, I was faithfully married to one wife for many years (makes Rickles’ face—eyebrows raised).
Lasorda: Me, too.
Sinatra: Me, three.
Carson: Me four—I might as well join in on the b.s., too.(laughs). Sinatra: Of course, I had to go through three wives to get to the one I was faithful with.
Carson; ME, TOO—well, maybe not.
Rickles: Anyways, wherever we are, I want to say it’s good to see Tommy again—but NOT YOU, Ed (audience laughs).
Ed: I’ll drink to that.
Lasorda: Well, thanks everyone, for the warm welcome.
Rickles: It IS kind of warm in here isn’t it—maybe we ARE in h...
Sinatra: Don’t sweat it, Don.
Carson: Telling Mr. Warmth to stop perspiring is like telling Kamala Harris to give up oral.
Ed: Hi, yooooo.
Rickles: And that’s why he makes the big bucks, and I’m a struggling Jew.
Carson: Damn right.
(Rickles laughs.)
Carson: Freddy de Cordova says we’re out of time already. Tomorrow night, we’ll dig up Regis Philbin, Dawn Wells, and Alex Trebek for your viewing pleasure—good night, everyone.
--GRA
1 comment:
He did enjoy the linguini. Good for him.
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