Monty Python Scripts
The Cheese Shop
The cast:
- CUSTOMER
- John Cleese
- WENSLYDALE
- Michael Palin
The sketch:
Customer walks in the Henry Wenslydale's Cheese shop and walks past the bazouki player.
Customer: Good Morning.
Wenslydale: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Wenslydale: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Wenslydale: Peckish, sir?
Customer: Esuriant.
Wenslydale: Eh?
Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Wenslydale: Ah, hungry!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
Wenslydale: Come again?
Customer: I want to buy some cheese.
Wenslydale: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Wenslydale: Sorry?
Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
Wenslydale: So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
Wenslydale: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
Wenslydale: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
Wenslydale: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Wenslydale: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
Wenslydale: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Red Windsor?
Wenslydale: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah. Stilton?
Wenslydale: Sorry.
Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lipta?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lancashire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: White Stilton?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Danish Brew?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Double Goucester?
Wenslydale: (pause) No.
Customer: Cheshire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Dorset Bluveny?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?
Wenslydale: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent.
Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Wenslydale: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Customer: What now?
Wenslydale: The cat's eaten it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Wenslydale: She, sir.
(pause)
Customer: Gouda?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Edam?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Case Ness?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Smoked Austrian?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?
Wenslydale: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Wenslydale: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Wenslydale: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Wenslydale.
Wenslydale: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Wenslydale: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wenslydale, that's my name.
(pause)
Customer: Greek Feta?
Wenslydale: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Parmesan,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Mozzarella,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Paper Cramer,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Danish Bimbo,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Czech sheep's milk,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Wenslydale: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?
Wenslydale: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Wenslydale: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer:
Wenslydale: 'Illchester, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Wenslydale: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Wenslydale: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
Wenslydale: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Wenslydale: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Wenslydale: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Wenslydale: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
Wenslydale: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Wenslydale: Could be....
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
Wenslydale: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me
Wenslydale: Yessir?
Customer: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
Wenslydale: Yessir.
Customer: Really?
(pause)
Wenslydale: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Wenslydale: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Wenslydale: Right-o, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
6 comments:
Which brings me to the obvious suggestion--as a caption for your blog--"And now for something completely different"(if copyright laws permit--and I think they do).
But,the current one("There is no statute of limitations on the truth")is a fine choice--and probably better suits
the intentions of the blog.
However,I couldn't resist the suggestion.
--GRA
jerry pdx
In Texas a 8 yr. old white girl is kidnapped by 51 year old black man, Michael Webb in a stranger to stranger crime: https://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/ny-young-girl-safe-after-street-abduction-20190519-6de5hlscujhrfma54t7xzu5oqa-story.html
Webb snatched Salem Sabatka from her mother as they were walking on the street, her mother jumped in his car and fought with him but he pushed her out. She contacted police and an amber alert was put out, his car was quickly spotted outside a hotel and police found Webb and Salem in a hotel room. She appeared to be unharmed, but no word if he had time to sexually assault her, hopefully not. Yet another story of sexually depraved evil black men doing what black America desperately wants to believe only whitey does. Reality is, though blacks and liberals deny it, 13% of US population is responsible for a much higher percentage of these kind of heinous crimes than whites are. Not only is it evident by anecdotal observation, it's backed up by FBI stats: https://ucr.fbi.gov/crime-in-the-u.s/2011/crime-in-the-u.s.-2011/tables/table-43
jerry pdx
The disingenuous way in which hack writers mislead the public about the Trump administration is beyond human reason. But I publicly announce to them: Not all of us are fooled! This article is the perfect example the type of illusive work they do: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-first-fbi-crime-report-issued-under-trump-is-missing-a-ton-of-info/
As I was doing some research about FBI crime stats I stumbled into this article and quickly realized the writers were omitting a vital fact. Namely that during the time that the FBI was removing data from the UCR tables, the director of the FBI was James Comey, a Trump hater at odds with the President and ltimately got fired by him. Comey is also an immigrant loving open borders loon who was so "ashamed" of being a US citizen (because of US immigration policies) he wanted to hide his nationality on a visit to Ireland: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/06/23/comey-ashamed-immigration-crisis-considered-hiding-citizenship/728081002/
Comey was on a trip to Ireland to promote his book: "A Higher Loyalty". Wonder what Comey's "higher loyalty" really is to. To Allah & turning the US into a Western caliphate? Or opening the southern borders and allowing it to evolve into just another banana republic?
The writers of the article can't stop writing "Trump administration" in the article as if Trump himself must have hacked into the FBI database and changed the tables personally. Reality is, Trump doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the policies, it would be the director who would be making final decisions on how the data is presented to the public, and he certainly could be influenced by the President but does anybody think that Comey would be listening to anything Trump would say about those tables? That is is Trump was even thinking about the UCR tables, which I find to be incredibly unlikely, something tells me he had other things on his mind. It was the Comey regime within the FBI that omitted the data, likely to keep people like us (readers of Nicholas's blog) from accessing data that reveals the truth about negro, hispanic & immigrant crime numbers. These "writers" don't even once mention the name Comey, that he is the director of the FBI and at odds with Trump yet think this article is somehow credible. Call Ripley's "Believe it or Not" on this one.
Here are the two writers of the article:
Clare Malone is a senior political writer for FiveThirtyEight. @ClareMalone
Jeff Asher is based in New Orleans and used to work for the city as a crime analyst. He currently does crime analysis for the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office and runs the NOLA Crime News data analysis blog. @Crimealytics
Looking at some of their other work, it's clear these two are a couple of Trump hating liberal loons who operate under the guise as "political analysts", when in truth all they really are is open border diversity zealots.
Current FBI director Christopher Wray is a Republican who seems to be carefully playing both sides of the fence, whether or not he will change the Comey administration's UCR policies remains to be seen.
jerry pdx
Wonder what will happen to the likes of Monty Python when the UK becomes a majority Muslim country? The first time they poke the slightest bit of fun at "Allah", they'll be stoned to death by a rabid mob. Forget about humor folks and start bowing to Mecca 6 times a day.
The Arabic translation for Monty Python is "Munti Athaeban".If you see Michael bin Palin,John Hussein Cleese,Terry Saddam Jones,Eric Omar Idle back together again--they will most likely be wearing turbans.
If they do unite,I hope Palin and Cleese perform MY favorite skit--"The Argument".
"I'd like to have an argument,says bin Palin.
"No,you wouldn't,"replies Hussein Cleese.
"Yes I would."
"Before we get started,would you like the 5 or 10 minute argument?"
"Five."
"That will be $20."
"Okay."(hands Hussein Cleese money).
"I said,that will be twenty dollars,"Hussein Cleese repeats.
"I just paid you."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
On it goes.
Laugh out loud funny--as the Cheese skit was.
They were brilliant.
"No they weren't,"say the Muslims,"off with their heads."
And mine too--if they get a chance.
--GR Anonymous
jerry pdx
Martin Mull isn't Monty Python but his "Men Song" is very Monty Pythonesque and quite relevant to the current invasion of Europe by Muslim & African men: https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/01/europe-refugees-migrant-crisis-men-213500
Soon to be the United States if certain forces gain the upper hand. Watch this video and get the melody in your head: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m-xZ4gz4MM
Then watch these videos and singalong with the lyrics below folks!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8h4h5zCO76Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rVSwXloXoM
Martin Mull's "The Men Song"
It's great to be on a ship with men, and sail across the sea oh, we don't know where'll we'll land or when, it's great to be with men, (repeat)
'Cause men can stink, and no one seems to care-o,
We'll throw the dishes in the sink, and clog the drains with Harold/ Hair-O (and clog the drain with Harold/Hair-O)
Men, Men, Men, it's a ship all filled with men,
So batton down the Ladies room, there's no one here but men
There's Men Above,
There's Men below,
There's Men down in the Galley, There's Butch,
and Spike,
and Buzz,
and Biff,
and one guy we call Sally, (and one guy we call Sally)
Men, Men, Men, it's a ship all filled with men,
you'll never have to lift the seat, there's no one here but men
, men
We're Men and Friends
Until the end, and none of us are sissies
At Night we sleep in separate beds,
and blow each other kissies (and blow each other kissies)
Men, Men, Men It's a ship all filled with men, so, throw your rubbers overboard, there's no one here but Men
AAAAHHHHHMEEEENNNN
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