It’s The Afterlife Tonight Show, Hosted by Johnny Carson, with Ed McMahon, and Guest Star Bob Newhart, also with Suzanne Pleshette and Don Rickles! (Part 1)

[“The Great Bob Newhart Ends His Multi-Decade Comedy Gig at Age 94… but He May Yet Do Cameos on The Afterlife Tonight Show! (Legendary Recording)”; and

“A Little Snippet about Bob.”]

By Grand Rapids Anonymous
friday, july 19, 2024 at 1:17:00 p.m. edt

Ed McMahon: It's The Afterlife Tonight Show, with Johnny Carson. I’m Ed McMahon, along with the NBC Afterlife Orchestra inviting you to join Johnny and his guests, Bob Newhart, Don Rickles, and Suzanne Pleshette. And now, heeeere’s Johnny!

(Band plays, much applause, Johnny walks out onstage.)

Johnny: Thank you and welcome to The Afterlife Tonight Show, where today's earthly celebrities are only a Covid shot away from booking a seat between me and Ed tomorrow night.

(Audience laughs.)

(Turns to Ed.)

Hello, Ed.

Ed: Good evening, oh great one.

Johnny: Isn’t that what that nutjob, Joy Behar, calls Joe Biden?

Ed: You are correct, sir.

Johnny: And YOU are correct about my being correct!

Ed: And YOU are correct about...

Johnny: Okay, a lot of political news on planet Earth; Last Saturday, a 20-year-old male attempted to assassinate Donald Trump and Mr. Trump was grazed by a bullet. As a result, a small piece of President Trump’s ear got shot off—about THIS big—or about the same size as what’s left of Joe Biden’s brain.

(Laughs)

Johnny: So now, nancy pelosi—who happens to be 84—is telling biden—who is 81—that HE’S too old to run for re-election (audience chuckles). That’s like Joan Rivers telling Cher she’s had too much plastic surgery (laughs). That’s like William Taft telling Orson Welles he needs to lose 100 pounds (small laugh). That joke was for our less recently deceased viewers.

Let’s do a little Carnac.

Ed: Ladies and gentlemen, I now introduce a visitor from the Far East, the all- knowing, all-seeing, all-omniscient—seer, sage, and soothsayer—and former diaper changer for Joe Biden—here he is: CARNAC, the Magnificent.

-(Applause)

Johnny: Sim Salabim. Just one quick one tonight—as Kamala Harris used to say to Willie Brown.

Ed: Hi, yooo.

Johnny: Carnac is eager to get started.

Ed: So was Kamala, I hear (laughs)—but here in my hand, I hold the envelope, which you, in your somewhat mystical and semi-comical way, will divulge the answer inside, without previously knowing the question.

Johnny: You are correct, cremation breath.

Ed: I hand you tonight’s envelope.

Johnny: Carnac thanks you.

(Places envelope near forehead.)

Johnny: Ho, ho, ho.

Ed: Ho, ho, ho.

Johnny: Name something you’d say if you saw three Kamala Harrises walk into a room (laughs).

Ed: One more?

Johnny: One more.

(Puts envelope to his forehead.)

Johnny: Lizzo...Garfield...and Speaker Mike Johnson.

Ed: Lizzo, Garfield, and Speaker Mike Johnson.

Johnny: Name a person who’s fat, a cat, and a rat.

Back in a minute.

(Commercial.)

Part 2 follows.

--GRA