By Grand Rapids Anonymous
Sunday, May 2, 2021 at 3:40:00 A.M. EDT
Handgunious Jackson, 24, was waving his stolen handgun around, while walking down a South Side Chicago street Friday evening, when “three people with Afros and big lips” crossed paths with Jackson, shooting him 34 times before stealing Jackson’s stolen gun. Funeral services are pending until all the deceased’s body parts are located.
black firefighter, Cleon Jones, remarked, “the undertaker has been here all night looking for parts that was blown clean off—found one finger tangled up in a dog’s fur—six blocks away”
Fellow firefighter Tommie Agee found an ear in a birdbath. “It looked like bird s**t, but it was an ear.”
Whatever parts that are found will be assembled for viewing next Wednesday.
“You might have to use your imagination on this one,” mortician Ed Charles said at a brief news conference.
Vulva Jones’ front teeth were about the only remnants left after an AK-47 barrage by “six bushy-haired youths with big lips and no brains,” left Jones a splatter mark on her front porch Saturday. A series of loud noises were heard for about five minutes, but when police arrived, 125 witnesses—who were having a riot across the street, said they didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.
“No man, I was like, looking the other way,” offered Pathologicus Jones—“I'm bein’ serious”—he insisted, as the police lie detector kept going off while he spoke.
Jones was not arrested for obstructing an officer, since that particular offense was deemed to be racist by the Chicago Police Reform Committee last week.
“We try to use the lie detector once in a while now, just so it remains functional, until we’re able to enforce the law again,” White cop, Jerry Grote, reflected. “It won’t be in MY lifetime, of course.”
The description of the perps came from a semi-focused surveillance camera in the park.
Funeral plans are pending final teeth identification.
A pit bull was arrested by Chicago police early Saturday, near Shields and 35th streets, after five were shot—when a breakfast cookout turned violent. According to witnesses Jackoffious Johnson and Clitorious Hayes, “The dog became incensed for some unknown reason and pulled out a .44 Magnum and began shooting.” Police sources said, “IF the dog was actually incensed, it would have been for a very good reason—the poor mutt had probably not been fed for over a week.”
Authorities made the arrest of the emaciated pooch, knowing full well, the witnesses were lying about the dog’s role in the mass shooting.
“That’s about all we can do now is arrest dogs and cats,” complained officer Jerry Koosman, a 25-year veteran, “but we DID at least, save the dog from having to live with these lower- than-animal types.”
Three of the five shot were pronounced “dead negroes”—at the scene, while the other two blacks shot are in “mostly, s**t out of luck” condition.
That's your Chicago update for May 2, 2021.
--GRA
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