Friday, May 08, 2009

The Top Ten List of Things to Know about President-for-Life Barack Obama

By Nicholas Stix

Revised at 8:05 p.m., Sunday, May 10, 2009.

In The Year One of Our Messiah, in The Nation Formerly Known as America, we have open borders for pandemics; however, under orders of Minister of Propaganda David Axelrod, and his deputy ministers, David Letterman, Jon David Stewart, and David Brooks, we quarantine jokes.

I must be some sort of pervert; I support quarantines for pandemics, but open borders for jokes. The following is my contribution to breaking the comedy blockade. If you don’t like it, do better!

10. Black politicians have larger teleprompters than white politicians.

9. The New York Times is going to write a bill making it a hate crime to criticize President-for-Life Obama, just as soon as its bailout check clears.

8. Those federal tax refunds? Paid out in Monopoly money.

7. Be careful what you say about his wife: She has bigger shoulders than you do!

6. Don’t speak Austrian? That’s ok, neither does he!

5. He will be having Congress pass a law officially declaring that America has 60 states.

4. Jokes making fun of the President will be permitted, just as soon as Barack and presidents-for-life-in-waiting Michelle, Sasha, and Malia and their descendants are all dead.

3. A black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy walk into a bar—hey, that’s not funny!

2. David Letterman is his bitch!

1. (This joke has been confiscated by the Obama Cabinet Secretary of Diversity.)


Undercover Black Man said...

You forgot to mention the Grey Poupon.

Nicholas said...

I wasn’t aware of “DijonGate” until you brought it up, David. I just looked it up.

What sort of perv puts mustard—any kind of mustard—on a burger? Red-blooded Americans cling to their ketchup and religion!

Jewish Odysseus said...

Risk of dangerous swine flu spreading--OK!

Risk of dangerously disrespectful jokes about our first half-Af-Am president spreading--VERBOTEN!

What a great apercu, Nicholas! ;- )

leadpb said...

I think I will adopt your

"If you don't like it, do better!"

Pardon if I forget to give due credit every time.

weston said...

7. Be careful what you say about his wife: She has bigger shoulders than you do!Classic! Michelle Obama has always struck me as more than a little masculine in appearance. And being a heterosexual male, that's not the sort of thing I'm interested in.

Which is why I find all of the fawning over her looks by the media (see here: and here: to be more than a little strange.

I guess the same spirit of slavish devotion that has led to the comedy blockade also leads the media to try and convince us that his wife is a Nubian goddess.

Anonymous said...

Please kill yourself, good sir.

Nicholas said...

Thank you, JO.