The Onion: Chicago’s Black-on-Black School Violence is No Laughing Matter

By Nicholas Stix

I’m still waiting for The Onion’s satirical take on black-on-white school violence.

* * *Chicago Public Schools Celebrate Fifth Straight Day Without Any Student Violence
September 14, 2012
Issue 48•37
The Onion

CHICAGO—Jubilant Chicago Public Schools officials announced Friday that, for five straight days now, there has not been a single act of student violence in any of the city’s 675 public schools. “Our classrooms and hallways are safer now than they’ve ever been,” said CPS chief executive Jean-Claude Brizard, happily noting that there have been no reported instances of beatings, stabbings, sexual assaults, or shootings in any of the city’s public schools this week. “We’ve had no incidents of weapons being brought onto school property, nor has anyone had to break up a fistfight between students. We’ve all had to work together for this, but it’s paid off. Let’s keep it up!” At press time, a gunfight on Chicago’s South Side had reportedly claimed the lives of three 16-year-old boys.