Kids Say the Darnedest Things 2023

[Kids Say the Darnedest Things 2023]

By Grand Rapids Anonymous
saturday, december 16, 2023 at 12:11:00 p.m. est

Hi, I’m Art Linkletter and welcome to the new Kids Say the Darnedest Things.

Don’t ask me how I’m back hosting a show I originally started in 1967, at the age of 55, but here I am—and everyone tells me I haven’t aged a day. The only thing that’s really changed are the kids the network has given me to interview—they’re 75% BLACK—which I don’t understand, because blacks are only 13% of the population. But I said I’ll try it and here goes nothing—literally.

(Art turns to five kids sitting in chairs—three black, one mex, and one White).

Art: Hi, kids!

(Obscenities from the minorities, the White kid says, “Hello.”)

Art: Let’s try the friendly one first—what’s your name?

White kid: Jimmy (giggles).

Art: And how old are you?

White Kid: Five (holding up five fingers).

Art: Well, so far, this seems just like 1967 again to ol’ Art. Jimmy, what’s your favorite...

black kid: Hey,mutha-****er, you not s’posed to talk to the cracka until you talk to US FIRST—CRACKA!

Other black kid: Yeah, how’d you get this show—you’s WHITE!

Art: I thought up this show—what’s your name?

black kid: Jacquarious.

Art: Can you spell your name for me, Jacquarious?

(Jacquarious pulls out a gun.)

Jacquarious: F**k kinda question is that? Huh?

Art: Ahh,a fake gun...you like to play cowboys and indians, Jacquarious?

(Gun goes off, bullets whistle past Art’s ear, grazing the tv camera.)

Jacquarious: No, I like to play “SHOOT the Honkey” (laughs and high fives the other nigs).

Art: What’s a honkey, Jacquarious?

Jacquarious: YOU IS.

Art: Well, now I see the difference in 56 years of TV—and America. I notice we have a hispanic boy here also. What’s your name?

mex kid: Miguelo—si.

Art: Are you a legal citizen of the United States, Miguelo?

(aclu reps run out with a court order.)

Art: What’s this? “You are forbidden to ask immigration status in your questioning,” it says here. Well, why not, Miguelo?

(aclu reps run out with another court order.)

Art: “NO interrogation about possible illegal status or follow-up questions—period.”

Jacquarious: He’s takin’ money from us by being here—that’s what my mom says—she president of the ncap.

Art: The naacp?

(black kid next to Jacquarious pulls a gun.)

black kid: You don't EVER correct a black Kang, Whitey.

Art: Wow, all the black kids have guns. Miguelo, what do you have?

(Switchblade comes out under Art's neck.)

Art: I’ve already shaved this morning, thank you, Miguelo.

Miguelo: You mean “gracias”—you are supposed to speak spanish around hispanics, gringo. This is OUR country now.

Art: Well, I can see this updated version of the show will never work and I must head back into retirement. Jimmy, thank you for reminding me of the good old days.

(aclu runs out with a court order.)

Art: “References to previous times where Whites thrived, crime was low and intelligence was valued are not allowed-San Francisco court of appeals.”

I guess there’s a gag order on everything I have to say, so I must end this show until after the second Civil War...

(aclu runs out with another injunction.)

Art: Good night, everyone.

--GRA

Hey, GRA. You know what killed Art Linkletter? He died just shy of what would have been his 97th birthday of a broken heart in 2012. His beloved Lois, wife of 75 years, and mother of his five children, had died the previous year, at the age of a mere 96. Just imagine how long she would have lived, if not for apartheid.