Andy Rooney—is Back?

By Grand Rapids Anonymous
Thursday, June 25, 2020 at 2:40:00 AM EDT

Did you ever wonder how a dead person like myself, can reappear on a website like this? Me too—but now that I know the answer—I really can’t tell you much, but I’ll drop a few hints later.

Are you also wondering WHY I decided to come back, on the great Nicholas Stix, Uncensored blog, no less—for my first public appearance since October of 2011?

That’s an easy one to answer: I admire what everyone does here, and it’s a great way to keep track of important news stories. I love news—REAL news—not the fake stuff being cranked out like sausage at CBS, ABC, and NBC these days—so I come here.

Now, because I keep track of things on earth, these last four weeks have really gotten my feathers ruffled—and that’s not just an idiom—it’s reality, but you’ll have to let me explain.

There’s this concept that was very popular years ago called “reincarnation.” When I was at 60 Minutes, it would come up occasionally in conversation—but I never believed in it. Turns out it’s true and now I’m a chicken—at least, for now. Mike Wallace is a rhinoceros, Morley Safer is a Char Pei. Ed Bradley—who would have guessed it—is a monkey.

I’m apparently on a farm somewhere in Kansas, but the only other thing I really know, is that I still remember how to type on a computer keyboard—using my beak of course—but I can still do it. Sometimes, in the middle of the night—like tonight—I’ll sneak into the farmer’s corner office, boot up the computer and write some thoughts down.

Here’s what I’m wondering tonight:

Why didn’t I get a big extravagant funeral like these black criminals are receiving on national TV? If anyone should have been rewarded, with a funeral similar to the services those thugs have received—after devoting years of humorous bylines, every week for 33 years, to an audience of millions—it should have been me.

Instead, I’m out in a barnyard and I can hear the farmer’s wife complaining to her husband about “another criminal negro funeral service that’s interrupting the ‘Rachael Ray Show’—which is not a bad thing—from a farm animal’s point of view: any time a cooking show, that has devoted hundreds of segments to “preparing delicious, tender chicken,” is pre-empted for ANY reason—I’m all for it—except in this one case.

Black thugs should not be treated as heroes, saints, and martyrs. Keep the propaganda off the airwaves, networks, quit jerking around the truth—and start treating white people better—we made this country, you know.

Okay, I’m done.

And the best part of me posting this right now?

No one believes I’m really Andy Rooney, and I can’t lose my free speech OR my job—speaking of which—it’s time to pay a visit to the henhouse.

Hey, thirty more years, and I start drawing a pension again.
--GRA