By Grand Rapids Anonymous
Monday, April 20, 2020 at 9:00:00 P.M. EDT
In what can only be described, at this point, as an “Impossible Year” of nightly absurdities for New York Mets fans, the home team outdid themselves Saturday night.
New manager Tom Hanks, “trying to shake things up,” as he so understatedly mentioned after the game, signed 57-year-old Rosie O’Donnell (without notifying anyone in Mets’ personnel) to a 10-day contract, and installed her into the starting line-up as catcher, against the Chicago Cubs, for game two of the series.
“She was in that movie about women softball players I was in (A League of Their Own), so I thought, “What could go wrong?”
As the first pitch from Jacob deGrom sailed past O’Donnell and into the arm of umpire Jerry Layne, it became apparent very quickly, “What could go wrong.”
Trainers for both teams rushed to attend to the injured umpire’s hand, which appeared to be frozen in a claw-like position.
While Layne was taken off the field, the rest of the crew decided to soldier on with three umpires.
Hunter Wendelstedt, one of the other umps, lost two fast games of rock, paper, scissors and took over reluctantly for Layne at home plate.
But as O’Donnell sank into a crouch to give the signs to DeGrom for the next pitch, the rotund Rosie lost her balance, falling backwards into Wendelstedt, inflicting a knee injury later diagnosed as a torn meniscus.
Down to two umps, the game was immediately cancelled, and Hanks was fired by Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen for not winning—“my sole criteria for managerial employment.”
The Mets remained at 0-18.
92-year-old former Dodger skipper, Tommy Lasorda, was announced as the new Mets manager.
“Hey, this is going to be great,” Lasorda grinned, “my old buddies Frank Sinatra and Don Rickles will be in the dugout as coaches and Frank will sing the national anthem. I can’t wait to start the next phrase of my career” (malapropism not removed).
Lasorda indicated his first move would be to drop Ron Cey down to the fifth spot in the lineup.
Game time is Tuesday vs Pittsburgh at 7:30 p.m.
--GRA
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God bless Grand Rapids Anonymous!
"GODFATHER" LASORDA "GETS WHACKED",BY GM BRODIE "CORLEONE" VAN WAGENEN, AFTER ANOTHER METS NON-VICTORY
When legendary manager Tommy Lasorda remarked in an interview,after being hired by Mets' GM Brodie Van Wagenen,that a)he wanted Ron Cey to bat fifth and b)Frank Sinatra and Don Rickles would help him manage his first baseball game in 24 years,reporters scoffed(to put it mildly).
But sure enough,on Tuesday night,there was 72 year old Ron Cey penciled in at 3rd base and hitting fifth in Lasorda's line-up--thanks to assistant GM Allard Baird's good hearing and a deep sense of admiration for Lasorda.
Baird overheard the Lasorda press conference and then called Cey in California.Baird found out Cey was in decent shape for a man in his early 70s and convinced "The Penguin" to come to New York by repeating one famous phrase:
"The Godfather (Lasorda's nickname)is making you an offer you can't refuse."
Cey responded,"Godfather wants me on the Mets?I'm in."
Baird followed that move by hiring Sinatra impersonator Brian Dupree and Rickles lookalike Mike Walter to greet Lasorda in the dugout--in full Mets' uniforms.
"Where the hell have you guys been?"Lasorda said as he hugged the fake celebrities,"come on,we have a game to win."
Faux Sinatra sang the national anthem,phony Rickles told phony Sinatra "you don't sound like yourself tonight-you sound better!!!"--and the game began.
Fortunately for Cey,Lasorda,"Sinatra","Rickles" and the rest of the Mets,Michael Wacha was on his game--either striking out or forcing popups of the opposing Pittsburgh Pirates' batters.Two hits were allowed--slow rollers to the left side of the infield--which Cey waved at,but that was all.
Pirates' ace Mitch Keller was just as effective through six and a scoreless tie was the result,heading to the top of the seventh.
Back to back HRs by Gregory Polanco and Josh Bell catapulted the Pirates to a 2-0 lead,which held up until the bottom of the ninth.
Reliever Juan Nicasio struck out Robinson Cano and Yoenis Cespedes for the first two outs,bringing up Pete Alonso.
In a move sure to be talked about for years,Pirate manager Derek Shelton held out four fingers--for an intentional walk of Alonso,in order to face longtime AARP member,Cey,hitless in 3 at bats,with comical swings that had Met's fans stampeding to their cars,in complete hopelessness.
But Cey somehow,some way,connected with a Nicasio change-up and sent a majestic fly ball over 400 feet to left centerfield and over the fence,tying the game up at 2--and the crowd poured back into Citi Field to cheer Ron Cey's heroics.
This extravaganza went to extra innings--and then more extra innings-and then even more.27 total innings were racked up with no runs scored and at 3 am the game was stopped due to fog.Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred declared the game suspended.
Afterwards,a sleeping Lasorda "got whacked"(fired) by Van Wagenen,Cey announced that,without Lasorda as manager,he was retiring--effective immediately--and the Mets remained at 0-18.
The suspended game will be finished up before the regularly scheduled contest.Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger were hired as co-managers,to which Ahhhnold joked,"we should be managing the Twins--like that movie we did together."
Two more losses seem likely on Wednesday.
--GRA
Right back at you N.S.--and the rest here too.
--GRA
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