Woody Allen visits NSU with some friends, to give his take on “hagiography”

[“hagiography: Tuskegee airmen celebrated during aircraft exchange ceremony on joint base Andrews.”]

By Grand Rapids Anonymous
thursday, july 27, 2023 at 2:57:00 a.m. edt

Hagiography. I had to look it up, and that word covers a lot of what’s happening in the media today. Quite the word. How anyone came up with it originally and then decided it would mean what it means in THIS context, well… there should be a documentary or a Woody Allen movie.

In history, it literally meant, “writing about saints,” but in recent years, it’s “painting certain subject matter in a virtuous light.”

blacks riots—wonderful.

black crime—more wonderful.

mex pouring over the border—magnifico.

Let’s imagine the characters from Play It Again, Sam have a sequel, and they’re meeting at a restaurant.

Tony Roberts’ character, Dick: Okay, we rushed right down here, why are you so excited, Allan? Did someone FINALLY pay you for one of your movie reviews?

Diane Keaton’s character, Dick’s wife, Linda: Yes, tell us Allan—are you writing a great novel, did you pen a script that was accepted by a studio? TELL US!

Woody as Allan Felix: I’ve invented a new word—hagiography.

Tony Roberts: Allan, that word has been around for centuries—it’s in the sunday times crossword puzzle three times a year.

Woody: Yes, but I’m RE-inventing it. Dick, this is my new calling—forget movie reviews—I’m going to take obscure words and make them current with new meanings and copywrite them, so that every time they’re used, I get paid a royalty—I’ll make millions.

Tony Roberts: For “hagiography”?

Woody: Yes, it’s already been used TWICE ON the NSU website in its alternate meaning, in the last year alone—it’s catching on. I’ll let NSU off the hook on payments as thanks for being the first site to use my word, but if the n.y. times does it—cha-ching.

Tony Roberts (to Linda): And you were thinking of leaving me for ALLAN?

Diane Keaton: I was thinking very hagiographically at the time...

Tony Roberts: What other words have you “re-invented,” Allan?

Woody: Cockamamie—so far—that’s all. I’m trying to make it fit with the Eisenhowers somehow.

Tony: Let’s go, Linda.

Diane Keaton: Good luck, Allan, let me know how this works out. When you get that first royalty check for over $100,000, I’ll leave Dick.

(Kiss on the cheek.)

Tony: Bye, Allan.

(They leave the restaurant.)

Woody: Okay, time to go home and get to work. I can FEEL IT—this is going to be a huge success.

Narrarator: Unfortunately, for Allan Felix, things did not become a success—for him. “Others” with deep pockets, who had been listening at the restaurant to Allan’s excited, loud voice, took his idea and became millionaires.

The End.

P.S.: Woody has made his 50th movie—a French film—no English, to be released in September. Reviews are fantastic: “His best movie in 12 years.”

--GRA