Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Assaulted by Patti LaBelle

By Nicholas Stix
Updated at 12:12 a.m. on December 20, 2007.

“That is the fabulous Patti LaBelle,” said Today Show host Meredith Vieira. “What a voice.”

We had just listened to possibly the worst singing performance, outside of American Idol, ever shown on live TV. The 63-year-old LaBelle was off-key; her voice broke on every note; and the song she "sang" was unrecognizable.

Of Vieira’s intro, The Boss said, “They have to say that; they got to save their job.”

I feel like suing. My ears hurt. I’m no singer, and yet, I’m in much better voice than LaBelle is, this morning.

The Boss changes the channel to the Fox morning show with Jodi and Ron.

“I can’t take Patti LaBelle singing. The lady’ll keep me awake. I gotta sleep,” says The Boss, who just came home from working the graveyard shift.

What was the woman singing? Something about “silver and gold”?

The Boss says it was, “I will bring Him silver and gold,” as in “Do You Hear What I Hear?” but what LaBelle was singing didn’t sound at all like that song. The Boss provides her universal explanatory theory for bad contemporary Christmas music: “It’s other people songs she singin,’ so she have to sing it differently.”

Sure enough, I Google LaBelle, and find that she is flogging a Christmas album that includes a five-minute-long assault on “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

In late November, LaBelle claimed to reporters that she was the victim of racism, because she and Celine Dion had both sung the same song, “If You Asked Me to,” and LaBelle’s version made it only to #79 on the pop charts in 1989, while Dion’s 1992 version made it to #4. LaBelle’s explanation for the greater popularity of Dion's version: “because she's a white girl,” and the music business is so racist.

That was LaBelle’s good-natured way of reflecting on a music award both singers had just received. During the same interview, she also claimed that Dion – you know, the “white girl”? – is her friend.

I've been singing for 45 years and that's an obstacle that I'm still ... I'm getting over it because I'm fabulous. You know, so you can't beat me up. You can't make me feel less than I am because whenever I get the microphone I'm gonna show you who I am. But the industry is very racist.

Let’s see. She’s "fabulous," so you can’t hurt her, but she’s still struggling with it after 45 years, and obsessing over having been outsold by a white singer on one single 15 years ago. For Patti LaBelle these days, logic is as much of a struggle as singing is. And if the music industry is so racist, why is it still giving record contracts to a washed-up, black singer with a voice that is a public menace? If that's racism, I want me some!

I haven’t heard either singer’s recording of “If You Asked Me to,” though when LaBelle began her campaign, I read some bloggers who said that Dion had flat out outsung her, which makes sense. While Celine Dion is no Ella Fitzgerald, she has long been a much better singer than Patti LaBelle.

But you just keep on saying that you’re "fabulous," and that only "racism" is keeping you down (or is it not keeping you down?), Patti. Maybe that’ll get you enough attention to make a few pity sales of your Christmas CD. Yeah, that’s the ticket.


Anonymous said...

Hey Nicholas,

Patti's singing is far more annoying than Celine Dion's. I like Celine's music. Always have. But it's politically correct in this day and time to praise black women over white women. Let's say Halle Berry, for instance. The PC media tells us, over and over, that she's the most beautiful woman in the world where you have tons of beautiful women who are much more beautiful than Halle.

Also, there's a double standard working in society. If a black man says the he prefers black women, he gets praised while the white man gets bashed for his preference. What say you?

Anonymous said...

Also, here's a tidbit from a conservative blogger who had enough of this PC junk regarding beauty:

The Ugly Truth About Beauty

"As to the matter of race, it’s simply hilarious that a media elite that tolerates, indeed celebrates, homosexual sodomy has a problem with people having sexual tastes that run along racial lines. The lacrosse players promoted diversity in their willingness to compromise those tastes. Shouldn’t lefties love that?"

Anonymous said...

"The PC media tells us, over and over, that she's the most beautiful woman in the world where you have tons of beautiful women who are much more beautiful than Halle."

An exaggeration. The "PC Media" don't tell us over and over that she's the most beautiful woman in the world, just one of the most beautiful women in the world. Does she get more attention than Jessica Alba, Pamela Anderson, or Cameron Diaz? I don't think so.

There may be tons of women (in and out of the media's eye) that are better looking than Barry, but she is better looking than a ton of other women out there (in and out of the media's eye).

Jazz said...

Without even realizing it, you've PROVEN Patti's point. You sound extremely racist. BOTH singers sound good. Yet you choose to compare apples and oranges? That is just YOUR opinion. Everybody has one, and everybody's opinion isn't the same as yours. 2 people CAN sing the same song in 2 entirely different ways. If one does it in a way that you are not used to, they've murdered the song?
I don't care for country and western music, but I wouldn't say that Dolly Parton can't sing, that's ridiculous! Yet, that's what you've done, and it's equally ridiculous. Your racism slip is showing.

Anonymous said...

patti labelle is in her 60's my friend.
everyone by that time starts to fade out. I mean just look at dionne warwick!

of course someone younger will sound better.

but in her hey day she was fantastic and would blow these younger singers away! people loved her for her singing voice! remember this is the same girl who sang lady marmelade. listen to some of her old records if you don't believe me her voice is extremely powerful and goes wayy up there!