By Grand Rapids Anonymous
Saturday, July 18, 2020 at 10:42:00 A.M. EDT
[N.S.: I apologize to GRA, and to our readers for mislaying this fantasy game report two months ago.]
GRA: I’ll just re-post one more from May 17th, 2020.
The cast of the show, Seinfeld, tried their luck at running the New York Mets, a team in the throes of a record-setting pace for incompetence, but the weekend home set with the Houston Astros, produced the same number of wins that Jerry used to say his show was about—NOTHING—
nada, zip, zero, a three-day goose-egg, zippity doo dah, nil and naught.
Seinfeld, trying on his Mets uniform before the game Friday mused, “Well we did nine years with our OTHER show, maybe we can duplicate our success here (press breaks out laughing), lightning CAN strike twice, you know” (more laughter).
Apparently lightning only hits Bob Newhart twice, as this reincarnation of “Seinfeld” didn’t last as long as My Mother, the Car, and only BARELY as long as the famous ABC 1969 flop, Turn On—a show cancelled after one episode.
Manager Seinfeld went all out to win this game, bringing in ex-Met stars Keith Hernandez and Roger McDowell, to coach hitters and pitchers, respectively, but third base coach, Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards) became skittish upon seeing the pair in the dugout, and the first two Mets hitters had to repeatedly call time out to interpret the manic signals Kramer was sending from the coach’s box.
“We thought he had gone loco,” said leadoff hitter Brandon Nimmo.
It was later learned that Kramer was being peppered non-stop, with small plastic spitballs from the dugout, to the sellout crowd’s delight.
“Jerrry!!!” Kramer yelled, “It’s a terrorist attack!”
Home plate umpire, Hunter Wendelstedt, ejected both Hernandez and McDowell from the game, later exclaiming, “Why does MY crew always draw the (expletive deleted) Mets’ games?”
“Bye, bye pretty boy,” Kramer yelled to Hernandez, as he was escorted from the dugout.
The show, Seinfeld, was about “nothing,” and so, coincidentally was the score through eight, a scoreless tie, in a duel between Justin Verlander and Noah Syndergaard.
The Mets loaded the bases in the seventh, when Houston’s pitching coach started walking out to the mound to talk to Verlander, only to be outraced to the hill by Mets coach, Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfuss), apparently to give the just married Verlander her phone number.
“I’m married and just had a baby,” Verlander recalled telling Benes.
“Get OUT!” Benes said, while pushing Verlander nearly off the mound.
Benes was ejected, as well, by ump Wendelstedt.
The Astros loaded the bases in the ninth and, with two outs, Jose Altuve strolled up to home plate.
Manager Seinfeld wondered out loud if there was a strategy he could use in this situation. Coach George Costanza (Jason Alexander), sitting next to Jerry, immediately said, “WALK HIM!”
“But George, the bases are LOADED.”
“WALK HIM, Jerry, my best decisions are when I do the opposite of my first instinct. My first instinct is to pitch to him—so we have to walk him.”
“Okay...that DID work pretty well for you that one episode,” Seinfeld replied, holding up four fingers to befuddled Mets catcher Wilson Ramos.
Final score: Houston 1, Mets 0.
GM Brodie Van Wagenen announced the cancellation of Seinfeld, and quickly hired Seinfeld neighbor Newman (Wayne Knight), who passed by the just fired Seinfeld in the clubhouse.
“Hellooo, Jerry.”
“Hellooo, NEWMAN,” scowled Seinfeld.
Newman’s Mets lost in a blowout, and Soup Nazi, Larry Thomas fared no better in game three.
“No job for you,” Van Wagenen told Thomas afterwards.
“I always wanted to say that to the Soup Nazi,” Van Wagenen admitted, “but now I have to find a new manager.”
The next game is Tuesday night against the Texas Rangers, as the team now stands at a 1* and 36 record through Sunday's play.
--GRA
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