An Open Letter to Tim Wise

By Hirsch

One of my readers, Hirsch, posted this as a comment, but it deserves its own presentation. Thanks, Hirsch!

Nick, please examine my letter to Tim Wise, which I sent to his e-mail, in all earnestness:

“Subject: Your Services are needed

“We have several white males attending my university, who are staunch in their refusal to accept the concept of “white privilege,” and the hidden entitlements which their skin grants them. Since you are generally busy with speaking engagements, may I have your permission to run the “Tim Wise,” test on them to ferret out their racism? The “Wise” test consists mainly of placing the aforementioned white male on a stool (to which he is tied) and then lowering him into a pond. If he drowns, he is considered a reformed racist and is then interred in a Christian cemetary as “rehabilitated.” If, however, he floats, he is practicing a more active version of white privilege and then should have his still-beating heart removed from his chest, so that the administer of the “Wise” test in question can have the satisfaction of hearing his conservative white heart stop beating, “tic-toc.”

I understand that since both Cotton Mather and witch finder general Matthew Hopkins are dead, you are the main remaining voice of reason in this land. If you are willing to forgo performing your anti-racist sacrament in my village, I will happily perform it in your name, and pass along a tribute of fifty silver pieces, which should add nicely to whatever public speaking bounty you accrue in the meantime.

With the help of men like you, as well as divine providence, this scourge shall be conquered and our lands rid of racism.”