March 7, 2001
In this age of fast food-style, race "hoaxes to go," many of us are concerned. Will the expansion of the race hoax industry bring with it a diminution of quality? Will today's hoaxers rob their successors of their turn? In other words, will today's industry exhaust itself? Fear not! As a public service, and an attempt at liberation and reparations, I am going to provide the twelve steps that make up the script used by champion hoaxers like Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton, so that even inexperienced amateurs can pull off stunningly successful race hoaxes!
1. Tell It, Brother/Sister!: Tell a Big Lie. The bigger, the better. The "plausibility rule," long thought to be the "first law of lying," no longer applies. The more implausible the lie, the better. The other two laws of lying, economy and consistency, have similarly been rendered obsolete. Tell 'em big, tell 'em wild, and tell 'em in quantity. Let today's lie contradict yesterday's, or as in Jesse's case during the already classic, Florida Disenfranchisement Hoax, let this afternoon's lie contradict this morning's. Remember, after 500 years of white lies, WE DON'T OWE THEM THE TRUTH!
That a group of white cops kidnapped and raped a 15-year-old African girl (Tawana);
that Jewish doctors injected Black men with the virus that causes AIDS;
that African Americans speak a West Congo-Niger, African language;
that a caucasian Texaco executive said the "n" word during a conversation with a fellow european executive;
that white police officers are murdering our people;
that Africans are invisible on prime-time TV;
and of course, that the Bush brothers stole the 2000 election.
Remember, as Dr. Frances Cress welsing teaches us in The Isis Papers: The Keys To The Colors, we're in a race war, fighting for our lives, against those who seek to annihilate us!
2. We Need Unity, Against Those Who Would Divide Us (or: A People United, Will Never be Defeated!): Find a visible, european enemy. Any caucasian will do for starters, but for staying power, you need powerful, heterosexual white males for the broadest base of support, because they are universally recognized as humanity's oppressors.
For instance, folks in Jamaica, Queens had a pretty successful run in 1995-96, saying that a Jewish female teacher at Public School 80 called her Black third-graders, "a bunch of n-----s," but even with the support of African then- schools chancellor, Dr. Rudy Crew, the hoax had no legs.
In 1987's great Tawana Brawley Hoax the Founding Hoax, as we in the business say Tawana started with "white cops." That was a smart beginning for an inexperienced 15-year-old, but the more experienced, world-wise team of activist attorneys C. Vernon Mason and Alton Maddox, and the Rev. Al Sharpton knew what to do. Attorney Alton Maddox informed the people, that Gov. Cuomo would masturbate over photos of Tawana, and the Rev. Al expanded the critique to include the involvement of the Irish Republican Army in Tawana's abduction and gang-rape.
3. Beat the Drums: Call and fax all allies in the mainstream and black media, non-profit sectors, black churches, education bureaucracy, government agencies and black pride organizations. Hold press conferences. Have constant demonstrations. Get arrested. But always remember the news cycle. There's no point in getting arrested after 4:00 p.m.! Save that for the next day!
4. Up the Ante: Keep up a torrent of new lies, to distract from earlier ones, and to make it impossible for the few journalists and public officials who don't know what time it is to keep up with them. Extend the scope of the charges and the demands for redress in the immediate issue, and then beyond it (e.g., from disenfranchisement to education; from re-voting and gaining unelected black election board members to throwing out the electoral college and the "one man, one vote" rule).
5. Repeat the Feat: Repeat the lie, and then keep on repeating it, days, weeks, even years after it has been "discredited." As the Israelis do, we can create FACTS ON THE GROUND!
6. If You Don't Try, It Won't Fly: Constantly throw up new hoaxes, like hot spaghetti against a wall. You never know what might stick. Before our African sister, Tawana, risked everything, no one knew what could be accomplished.
7. If You Know Your Spin, You're in Like Flynn: Use equivocating and vague language e.g., stretching "racial profiling" from its traditional, empirical meaning as observing, and possibly stopping Blacks based on a "profile," to an extreme, meaning arresting and even murdering them (Remember Amadou!), based on the same "profile." And be sure to ignore or suppress essential facts. If you say that the caucasians were hunting for Isaac Jones, the "Bronx Rapist," who was the city's worst-ever serial rapist, and who lived in the same Soundview neighborhood as Amadou, and even resembled Amadou, that just confuses matters!
8. It's All Connected: Link disparate, irrelevant facts. For instance, if european police officers (caucasian Hispanics'll do in a pinch) in different parts of the country, shot Black suspects to death during a certain period, make all of the cases serve as proof of a national conspiracy of white police to murder innocent Blacks. Because, after all, WE ALL KNOW that the conspiracy exists! Don't worry about particular facts. JUST REMEMBER THAT THEY ARE KILLING OUR PEOPLE!
9. Put the Suckers in Their Place: Race-bait actual, and even potential critics. The ideal situation, is to demonstrate in front of the racist bloodsuckers' homes and places of work. Make sure they get fired from their jobs, and hounded from their professions, the way we got talk-radio host Bob Grant fired (he got a job elsewhere, at WOR-AM, but we'll take care of that!). Demand that their employers publicly apologize, and make amends.
10. If You Want to Operate, Refuse to Cooperate: When New York State's Jewish attorney general, Robert Abrams, sought to work with Tawana, attorneys Alton Maddox and C. Vernon Mason, and the Rev. Al Sharpton, cleverly had her refuse to cooperate. This extended the hoax's life from a few weeks to a full year.
11. Keep Up the Heat: Little Hoaxes beget big ones, and wear down the europeans.
12. Keep Your Eyes on the Prize: The Fifth Column: Make continuous demands for ever more hires of "unqualified" Africans; these racial hires are hoaxes' most loyal defenders, and a ready source for future hoaxes. ALWAYS REMEMBER, ANY AFRICAN PERSON IS AUTOMATICALLY MORE QUALIFIED THAN A caucasian, FOR THE SAME JOB.
Never forget! "Educated" europeans are desperately afraid of confronting righteous Africans. In a showdown, they will always blink!
Originally published in Toogood Reports.