All in the Family, 2022

By Grand Rapids Anonymous
Saturday, March 26, 2022 at 1:08:00 P.M. EDT

Here’s my updated version of the All in the Family opening theme.

Those Were the Days (revised by GRA)

Boy, the way Sinatra sang,
Astronauts, they drank their Tang,
Streets were safer than Da Nang,
Those were the days.

And your friends were normal then,
Sue was Sue and Ben was Ben,
Mister, we could use a man like Giuliani again.


Didn’t need no facebook chat.
Women's bodies weren't so fat.
How did I remember that?
Those were the days.

(Archie walks down the stairs to the living room.)

Edith: Good morning, Archie.

Archie: Well, you’re HALF right—it’s morning.

Edith: What’s the matter, Archie?

Archie (opening the ny post): Nothing a White, conservative mayor wouldn’t cure.

Edith: Did you see Mike yet today?

Archie: No—so far, Lady “Luke” has smiled on me, regarding that particular event—why?

Edith: He told me—after you went to bed—that he was going to look different this morning. He said he was going to try to—what’s the word—emulate—Bruce Jenner from now on.

Archie (voice rising): Which one—Bruce the athlete or...

(Mike walks down the stairs in a dress.)

Archie: THE FRUITCAKE!

Mike: Hi, Arch.

Archie: Awww, jeeez. Don’t tell me you’ve turned into one of those transgroinal freaks.

Mike: That’s right—and Gloria has something to tell you too.

(Gloria struts down looking like Rachel Dolezal.)

Gloria: I’m black now, daddy—whazzzzup?

(Archie’s eyebrows rise up.)

Archie: You’ve got to be shi**ing me.

Mike and Gloria: April Fools!

(Edith starts laughing.)

Archie: YOU KNEW about this, you dingbat?

Edith: That’s right, Archie.

Archie (sitting down in his chair, looking at Mike and Gloria): Well, I knew youse two were pinkos, but I really didn't believe that other stuff for a minute. No, you have to get up pretty early to fool Archie Bunker, Meathead.

(Archie wipes his brow with a hanky.)

END.

--GRA