-----Original Message-----
From: The Onion <newsletters@email.theonion.com>
To: add1dda@aol.com <add1dda@aol.com>
Sent: Thu, Sep 5, 2019 1:11 pm
Subject: Kim Kardashian Tries To Escape L.A. In Rowboat After Realizing Past 12 Years Of Life Have Been TV Show
From: The Onion <newsletters@email.theonion.com>
To: add1dda@aol.com <add1dda@aol.com>
Sent: Thu, Sep 5, 2019 1:11 pm
Subject: Kim Kardashian Tries To Escape L.A. In Rowboat After Realizing Past 12 Years Of Life Have Been TV Show
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THE ANCHOVY(a tribute to the Onion)by GRA
ReplyDeleteResidents of Haiti are demanding the United States take in their entire 10 million person island population as refugees because,"it's too sunny.There's too much damn sunshine--and we're sick of it.We need to go to Oregon--or any other state that's cloudy,so we can get away from the constant bombardment of those killer UV rays."
The ACLU is already filing motions to guarantee their transfer to the Haitian's first choice destination spot--Oregon--and most likely Portland.
"It's cruelty by the Trump administration to force people to live in their own countries,"said an ACLU spokesman,"especially in a place that has perpetually nice weather."
TRUMP TAKES UP SMOKING AND DRINKING
President Donald Trump finally decided sobriety is for private citizens as he confirmed that he will be unable to finish out his term without vaping THC and binge drinking vodka.
Of course this was reported by NBC,who it is theorized,decided two years ago--as a corporation-- that THEY couldn't finish out Trump's term without vaping,binge drinking vodka or making things up about Trump on a daily basis.
So nevermind.
CBS NEWS STOPS USING REAL CAMERAS FOR NEWSCAST.
Ratings are so poor for the "CBS Evening News",with Norah O'Donnell,that CBS executives decided last week to stop using real cameras for the 6:30 pm nightly broadcast.
Said one CBS insider:"She sits behind the desk as usual,she thinks she's on the air,but we have fake prop cameras set up in her direction to make her think this is the real deal.She does her 27 minutes,WE put up the same rerun of her first appearance--every night--she never knows the difference.Bottom line,the network saves a lot of money, the ratings can't get worse than they are-it's a win win."
--GRA